Get Help with Porn Rotating Header Image

Welcome

Our Mission: We want to inspire people to see themselves and others, not as flawed, but as beings struggling to fulfill their own needs and potential; and to illuminate the connections between their needs and their behaviors in a way that helps them find more fulfilling, satisfying ways to live their lives.

Pornography is one of the greatest challenges to relationships in today’s society. It is increasingly becoming one of the primary reasons cited for divorce and the breakup of relationships. We would like to see that change.

We are Victoria and Garry Prater. Porn became a serious challenge in our relationship and we came close to breaking up several times because of it. But we discovered a practical way to turn the challenge into a positive experience that has changed our lives tremendously. We now share a wonderfully satisfying relationship.

We found no resource that approached the issue of pornography in this way. As we began to discuss our approach with others, a friend said, “I wish I’d known about this before I was divorced.” A psychologist said, “I believe the work you are doing is remarkable and I’d like to be able to share it with others.”

And so we present to you:

  • Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship -
    Chronicling our experience and how we turned the challenge or porn into the greatest adventure of our lives, our book is available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and as an ebook from Smashwords.com.
  • GetHelpwithPorn.com – This website will provide helpful guidance on dealing with porn, on your own and in your relationship; and it will be a place for you to connect with others facing similar situations.
  • Discussion – Freely express yourself about the effects of pornography on your life and your relationship. Share your stories and comments, learn from the experience of others, and let us know what’s troubling you. We are here to help in any way we can.
  • Articles and Resources – A collection of articles and links to books, DVDs, websites, and other resources that will be helpful.

We hope that you will come to see this as a wonderful learning experience and that your journey will be an enlivening and rewarding adventure.

With our best, Victoria and Garry

13 Comments

  1. Mouse says:

    Hello to all.. I have a very similar problem in my relationship.. I would have prefered not knowing at all his habit of Porn Use.. I can’t belive how many people are suffering from their spouses habit.. Sériously.. We had a big argument on this subject and about him not openning up to me last weekend.. Then on the Tuesday of the next week.. I could almost swear that he watched some because his performance level was less than usual.. I can’t even get off when he goes down on me anymore because I think of his dirty habit..

    I have had two serious boyfriends before whom were not using as much, or if they did, I never knew because in bed it was constant, and they never had to go to the bathroom with their intelligent phones or erase the history of their computers..

    I watch Porn when he is away on a mission in the army or when I feel alone and Drunk.. I believe that watching Porn on those terms is normal.. I even have made a couple videos with him for him to watch.

    Maybee I should make 10 thousand for him to watch.. Hell maybee I should be a Porn star!! but he says he will leave me if I do that.. but the more he watches it the more I fell threatened to leave and become one. I’m sorry for the attitude but I am nervous and on the egde of crying right now.. I am not the only one who feels this way as I have read above.
    It feels so good to write into this cyber world knowing that I am not the only one.

    I wrote him hate mail today on my lunch hour 3 PAGES LONG on paper.. but I decided to relax take a deep breath, and put the letter away. Instead I found this site… If my name was on the internet bill I swear I would block all Porn sites like Parents do to keep their children from watchin it and becoming futur addicts.

    Seems to me my man is addicted to porn.. I’m addicted to sex GOOD SEX.. So we have a problem. Or another thing that I hate is when we get into an argument his way to blow off steam if to watch some more Porn.. I cought him once and broke his fun.. Felt horrible knowing he did it while I was still awake..

    Honesltly, I hurt so much, because I love him to death.. Lasted a whole 8 months while he was on misson, without cheating and staying true to him.. Then moved in together and discovered his habit. I HATE IT! I can’t imagine a life without him in it, but the fact is creeping up on me. The fact that I don’t think I can marry a man that is this hooked.. Then what happens?

    Why aren’t you guys together no more? Oh he watches porn! So Degrading….pfff i’m pissed.

    I’ll get the book for sure… and keep you updated..

    Still would be nice to see possitive comments on this thread.. Sorta felt weird reading:

    LOSANGELES2007’s comment: Leaving the porn addict in my life was the best thing I ever did!

    I believe her.

    Well i’ll keep you updated after I read the book.

    Again; sorry for being a complete wreck.. Good day

    Mouse

    1. Garry says:

      Hi Mouse – Thanks for sharing what’s going on with you. From reading what you wrote our best guess is that it sounds like you would like to have more trust in your relationship and that you want to know that your partner cares about how his looking at porn is impacting you. Also it seems like there is something about him using porn when you are around and available that has you worried. Maybe it is that you want to be sure that he is into you and your body so that you will be comfortable opening to him during sex.
      We usually like to see what is going on on both sides but because we don’t have much info from your partner it is hard to guess what has him looking at porn. Given what you have said about him being in the army we can imagine that he may be using it as a strategy to get some respite from stress as it can be a place where there are no demands. Being in the military can be all about taking orders and can be quite demanding but porn offers a place to get away from all of that even when he is home. There may be better ways to handle the stress but without other options it may be all that he has right now. Like I said though we can only guess.
      The bottom line is that we believe that you can truly begin to resolve this when you can see what needs he is trying to meet by looking at porn and what needs are buried in your upset. If you both can ask yourselves questions that take you deeper into yourselves that is when the magic starts to happen. Like I said above is it about trust? Being cherished? Then once you can see those parts in yourself then you can communicate with your partner clearly what you would like and he will most likely be better able to hear you because it will be about you and not what he is doing wrong. As you will see in the book when we were able to take the time to inquire what was going on in ourselves and each other in a curious, open, loving way then we really started to flourish. We believe that one of the greatest things that a person can say about their relationship is “My partner tries to understand me.”
      Good luck and let us know how things go.

      All the best,
      Garry and Victoria

  2. ab says:

    I am so happy to have come across this book and website and will definitely purchase/read it asap. Reading these comments and testimonials is rather touching for me, as I hear my own feelings in a lot of these other women/spouses who are dealing with this very challenging relationship obstacle. I am in a different place now and I want you all to know THERE IS HOPE. My fiance and I have been round and round the porn addiction, 3 years ago he was using it constantly- 10+ hrs a day or more, lying and even depriving me of sex for months. My self esteem plummeted and I’ve never felt more fragile in my whole life — even after losing 70lbs this porn thing still made me feel fat, unwanted, ugly, etc. I will tell you though that if your man loves you and is committed he will realize that he may lose you for this awful habit and that should be enough to make him take action. It isn’t easy, there are slips and trust is damaged but my man has worked really hard at kicking it and I think is almost there. We walk on shaky ground sometimes but overall I didn’t think there would be hope and there was – but I had to hit rock bottom too and almost leave for him to get it. I recommend therapy as well as safeeyes.com – surprisingly my fiance has thanked me for having safe eyes on our computers to help him with urges. I don’t know what the future holds but either way there is hope. Stay strong people!

  3. jones says:

    I am struggling with porn addiction. Got addicted very very young. Now I am trying to get it out of my life (I say that but I keep coming back to it) primarily because I know it goes against Gods will. I hate that I come back to it. If you could offer some helpful tips that would be helpful. I have joined a 12 step program, but after weeks of being porn sober I go and get my mind all convoluted again. I feel like my will is not strong enough sometimes. I hate it!!!

    1. GarryP says:

      Thanks for letting us hear about your struggle. There is no need to berate yourself, lots of good people struggle with the same issue. It’s difficult when you don’t understand what is going on. Porn has such a hold on you because it’s a strategy for meeting an important need that you aren’t currently able to meet in a way that is more acceptable to you. For me it was a safe place I could meet my need for intimacy without the vulnerability and complications I feared in a relationship. Unfortunately, while meeting that need, indulging in porn meant that other needs weren’t met – like integrity, honesty and real intimacy.

      It may be difficult to find what needs you are trying to meet. Typically, they are things that are buried deep because you fear facing them. Perhaps, like me, you really enjoy the intimacy with a woman but you fear the vulnerability and risk of really committing yourself in a relationship. I was committed to my relationship with Victoria but, inside, my heart was locked up in fear. Porn was a temporary respite. You will have to find what needs you are trying to meet with porn.

      Consider this an opportunity to explore parts of yourself that were forbidden territory. It will be worth the effort. Talking with someone you can trust can help. You may find the story of our struggle helpful because it can give you insights into both sides of the issue. Please keep us posted on your story.

  4. Trena says:

    Hello,
    First I want to say thank you. I’m not even sure how now I stumbled across your book and then website; it’s all kind of a blur right now; but I have a little hope now. I’ve been with my boyfriend now just short of two years, and in June we moved in together. As everyone knows when you move in with someone you learn a lot about them. And, in this case I learned that my boyfriend loves to look at porn. He looks at porn all the time. When he gets up in the morning he turns on his computer and logs onto a porn site. He has porn on his phone, and in the dumbest move ever I got him an IPod touch for Christmas and guess what… he has it on that too. He doesn’t think I know how much he is on porn, but being a computer programmer I know how much he is on porn. I’ve tried to talk to him about this addiction, never addressing it as an addiction to him and never admitting how much I know he’s on it. His response is that I need to get past this, and that all guys look at porn. He works from 2 to 10:30 at night and has two weekdays off, I work 8-5 and have the weekends off, and when I’m not at home or in the morning before he goes to work, he gets on porn; on his days off its all day off and on. And, now when I’m at home he’s been taking his IPod into the bathroom with him when he goes to take a shower (and we made an agreement before that he would never look at porn while I’m home). I feel, ugly, fat, undesirable, un-sexy, un-wanted, cheated on, betrayed, lied to (and so much more). I know he’s on it every day, but when I say… I know you’re on it all the time, everyday; he says… no I’m not; not every day. I love this man. He can be so wonderful, caring, loving, but I’m at this fork in the road and I’m not sure what way to go. Should I just give up and leave (I can’t imagine my life without him) or stay and just spend my days knowing that when I’m gone and he is home that he is sitting in front of computer doing what he does. And, because he can’t be honest with me about it, I don’t trust him. This is a very hard thing for me to deal with right now. In the past two years, my divorce became final, I moved to a new city away from my daughters, I started a new relationship, my parents both died (mom Sept 09, my dad just this last June), sold everything moved to another state for two months (he was supposed to follow but his job didn’t go through), moved back to this state with him, started school and a new job. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. And like Victoria said when looking on the net I just got pulled back and forth with no real answers or help. Just a lot of “it’s your issue not his” or “leave him he’s scum”. He’s not scum, he’s a good man, with a habit or addiction; and I love him. I just don’t know how to deal with this without destroying me in the process.
    I’m getting the book, and I’ll read it; then I’m just going to put it on his computer desk and I hope, I hope he’ll read it too.
    crying and confused,
    Trena

  5. Jezebel says:

    Hello Garry and Victoria–I wanted to write and give you a one-year update. It has been a wild ride and I don’t think I’ve taken very good care of myself, but I wanted to let you and any readers know what happened.

    Unbeknownst to me, when I was writing that last comment on August 5 of last year, my partner was withdrawing $200 from our checking account to visit a massage parlor on August 7; he continued this behavior in secret until very recently. I continued to struggle to have non-violent conversations with him about his use of pornography, not knowing that for the entire last year he has been meeting with escorts and sex workers. He would not read your book or any books. After we had six sessions with a couples therapist, he finally told me the truth, or as much of the truth as he was able, a few days ago. (I had found a receipt in October, but he lied to me and said that he did go to a massage parlor, but then “couldn’t go through with it.”)

    I moved out day before yesterday, and it doesn’t seem likely that we will be able to put our relationship back together, because he is not interested at this time in pursuing any treatment for his suffering. I had hoped that NVC could offer a powerful tool for our relationship and our mutual recovery, and I think it can—but it seems impossible to have a OFNR-based conversation with someone who lies chronically and fluently.

    I continue to use NVC in my life daily as a way of exploring what others are feeling and how their needs connect to mine. But it seems in this particular relationship, what’s happened goes far beyond being able to hear jackal words with giraffe ears—I can still manage to interpret jackal behavior as really trying to meet needs (for closeness without fear of enmeshment, or to soothe past trauma, for example); and yet for my own safety I can’t allow myself to draw very near to such behavior, or become intimate with it, to the point where it jeopardizes my life and safety.

    Thank you again for your hard work—I still value this book, and will keep it when I move.

    PS the one thing I thought should have been clearer sooner, in your book, was that Garry wasn’t simply “looking at” porn but was actually “using” it. This becomes clear I think around two-thirds of the way through, but in fact the difference between “looking at” and “using” was crucial for me in figuring out which needs of mine were NOT being met, by my partner’s using porn—primarily, his meeting his own sexual needs alone, did not meet *my* needs for inclusion and sexual expression. Just a thought.

  6. sarah says:

    Great to see these discussions happening. But sometimes I lose patience with this discussion of ‘acceptance’ and ‘not judging’. I think it’s OK for me not accept the porn industry, and to think it’s fucked up when my friends are viewing porn. Nobody asks me to ‘accept’ rapists, and a lot of porn involves some pretty violent and non consensual sexual activity, right?
    I just think that any really meaningful discussion of porn that men – or anyone – are having has to include a discussion of sexual violence, and women’s rights not to be objectified and not to be raped.
    Some people claim to make a really clear distinction between child porn and ‘adult’ (haha ‘adult’) porn. but I’ve come across a friend looking at a porn clip where the woman looked pretty damn young. how can you tell if someone is 16? and we’re always hearing about how much more sexualised childhood is than it used to be.
    I know there are no easy answers, and things aren’t always black and white, but if you are honestly trying to deal with your porn habits you need to think about the bigger picture, how porn fits in to a culture that has inequality of types ingrained. Or just for a start, imagine being a woman in some internet cafe late at night and the only other person there is some guy sitting next to you looking at porn.
    Sorry for the ranty and scattered comment. But anger is a healthy emotion too.

  7. LOSANGELES007 says:

    leaving the porn addict in my life was the best thing I ever did!

    1. Garry says:

      It sounds like you made the best decision for yourself. Congratulations. Sometimes leaving is the best solution. In our case, Victoria and I are both grateful that we worked it out together; it was a tremendous learning opportunity. Thanks for your comment.

  8. sammy says:

    I recently bought your book from amazon.com, i cant thank you enough for writing it. i recently lost the love of my life to the problem of me hating porn. after searching through articles, and books, and websites your book is the one book that i needed to read. its the book that no one had written about but anwsered all my questions and explored the exact same fears and questions as i had. this book is life changing and i only wish i would have discovered it sooner. i hope everyone with any issues about porn or what the media portrays reads your book. you should be featured on oprah for your help towards couples and individucals suffering this common but never spoke about problem. this book changed my life thank you.

  9. Jezebel says:

    I agree with Lisa–it is such a relief after a whole day of seeking answers online, and finding just back-and-forth assertions and scornful rebuttals, to come across this site. Almost all the advice out there is so polarized, either judging the partner who is hurt by the behavior (using porn is totally normal for men, you’re the one with the problem, don’t be such a prude, get over it and be chill) or judging the partner doing the behavior (you are afraid of intimacy, what you’re doing is selfish and unhealthy and unintegrated, you need therapy). But I don’t enjoy being in judgment. I don’t want to live my life that way.

    My partner and I are completely at a loss about what to do right now. His current position seems to be that he has no problem with his porn use and solo masturbation, and that he is happy with his life and with our life together (including our sex life), and not ashamed or feeling any guilt, but only sorry that I am hurting so much. In the past he has said he would stop, but instead he concealed the behaviors (he would say, he chose to keep them private, because they are his personal business and you can’t share everything in your relationship), and now he doesn’t even remember making any agreements that he would stop. He says that this is just a part of his life–not a big part, but definitely a part, one that he says is related to his connection with himself, with his fantasy life, and with Eros. I’ve asked to be included but he chooses not to include me.

    For my part, I really am struggling to accept his behavior. I have not been happy with our sex life for a while now, because I observe that we have fewer sexual encounters and that he doesn’t offer me as much physical affection as I would like. I’m also scared that he’ll begin seeing prostitutes, as he did before we were together–but I’m even more scared about how obsessed with his behavior I have become. When I realized I was snooping and spying and accusing and prying, I started going to 12-step meetings to try to resolve some of my sadness, jealousy, anger, and fear (I’m also in individual therapy). But it’s not really working, anyway not yet–I am still just devastated by my feelings, and not yet able to accept his choices and move on in the relationship.

    Oddly, I actually have a background in NVC and have had a little NVC training, but I am so stuck right now in how strong my feelings are that it hadn’t occurred to me that it could provide any assistance. It’s funny too, because when all this started two months ago I was standing in a bookstore and I saw a greeting card with that exact Rumi poem on it. And I thought, I should buy that for him. But then the retaliatory angry jealous voice rose up in me and said, Well what is he doing for you–nothing. Maybe today I will make him a card with that poem, though.

    Anyway, this has been long, but thank you both for providing some kind of non-dualistic way to think about this issue. I am still completely confused about it but at least I feel like there is someone else out there who is trying not to fall into black-and-white thinking. I want to love him completely and without conditions, and I also want to acknowledge how I feel when he makes these choices–though I know that the overwhelming feelings point to old unresolved grief and unmet needs that are my responsibility and not his.

    It’s just all really hard right now. Thank you again.

  10. Lisa says:

    I’m so happy to have found this website. I have been married for 5 years and my husband’s interest in pornography has been an ongoing source of pain for me and a huge stress in our marriage. We also have been close to breaking up over it many times, and the pain that has been caused to both of us has been excruciating. In the beginning I just asked my husband not to do it, and he complied, but not without anger and resentment (which came out in other ways), as well as occasional “slips.” Now he wants to be himself, and I am trying to be more understanding and look at this time as an opportunity to learn to love more deeply, but this is a huge challenge for me. Your approach seems to be the only one that offers some sort of balanced answer, or more precisely, an opportunity for growth for both spouses. I look forward to purchasing your book soon and hope it can offer the help my husband and I have both been longing for. Thank you for sharing your story with others.

Leave a Reply