Welcome
Our Mission: We want to inspire people to see themselves and others, not as flawed, but as beings struggling to fulfill their own needs and potential; and to illuminate the connections between their needs and their behaviors in a way that helps them find more fulfilling, satisfying ways to live their lives.
Pornography is one of the greatest challenges to relationships in today’s society. It is increasingly becoming one of the primary reasons cited for divorce and the breakup of relationships. We would like to see that change.
We are Victoria and Garry Prater. Porn became a serious challenge in our relationship and we came close to breaking up several times because of it. But we discovered a practical way to turn the challenge into a positive experience that has changed our lives tremendously. We now share a wonderfully satisfying relationship.
We found no resource that approached the issue of pornography in this way. As we began to discuss our approach with others, a friend said, “I wish I’d known about this before I was divorced.” A psychologist said, “I believe the work you are doing is remarkable and I’d like to be able to share it with others.”
And so we present to you:
- Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship -
Chronicling our experience and how we turned the challenge or porn into the greatest adventure of our lives, our book is available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and as an ebook from Smashwords.com. - GetHelpwithPorn.com – This website will provide helpful guidance on dealing with porn, on your own and in your relationship; and it will be a place for you to connect with others facing similar situations.
- Discussion – Freely express yourself about the effects of pornography on your life and your relationship. Share your stories and comments, learn from the experience of others, and let us know what’s troubling you. We are here to help in any way we can.
- Articles and Resources – A collection of articles and links to books, DVDs, websites, and other resources that will be helpful.
We hope that you will come to see this as a wonderful learning experience and that your journey will be an enlivening and rewarding adventure.
With our best, Victoria and Garry
Hello Garry and Victoria–I wanted to write and give you a one-year update. It has been a wild ride and I don’t think I’ve taken very good care of myself, but I wanted to let you and any readers know what happened.
Unbeknownst to me, when I was writing that last comment on August 5 of last year, my partner was withdrawing $200 from our checking account to visit a massage parlor on August 7; he continued this behavior in secret until very recently. I continued to struggle to have non-violent conversations with him about his use of pornography, not knowing that for the entire last year he has been meeting with escorts and sex workers. He would not read your book or any books. After we had six sessions with a couples therapist, he finally told me the truth, or as much of the truth as he was able, a few days ago. (I had found a receipt in October, but he lied to me and said that he did go to a massage parlor, but then “couldn’t go through with it.”)
I moved out day before yesterday, and it doesn’t seem likely that we will be able to put our relationship back together, because he is not interested at this time in pursuing any treatment for his suffering. I had hoped that NVC could offer a powerful tool for our relationship and our mutual recovery, and I think it can—but it seems impossible to have a OFNR-based conversation with someone who lies chronically and fluently.
I continue to use NVC in my life daily as a way of exploring what others are feeling and how their needs connect to mine. But it seems in this particular relationship, what’s happened goes far beyond being able to hear jackal words with giraffe ears—I can still manage to interpret jackal behavior as really trying to meet needs (for closeness without fear of enmeshment, or to soothe past trauma, for example); and yet for my own safety I can’t allow myself to draw very near to such behavior, or become intimate with it, to the point where it jeopardizes my life and safety.
Thank you again for your hard work—I still value this book, and will keep it when I move.
PS the one thing I thought should have been clearer sooner, in your book, was that Garry wasn’t simply “looking at” porn but was actually “using” it. This becomes clear I think around two-thirds of the way through, but in fact the difference between “looking at” and “using” was crucial for me in figuring out which needs of mine were NOT being met, by my partner’s using porn—primarily, his meeting his own sexual needs alone, did not meet *my* needs for inclusion and sexual expression. Just a thought.
Great to see these discussions happening. But sometimes I lose patience with this discussion of ‘acceptance’ and ‘not judging’. I think it’s OK for me not accept the porn industry, and to think it’s fucked up when my friends are viewing porn. Nobody asks me to ‘accept’ rapists, and a lot of porn involves some pretty violent and non consensual sexual activity, right?
I just think that any really meaningful discussion of porn that men – or anyone – are having has to include a discussion of sexual violence, and women’s rights not to be objectified and not to be raped.
Some people claim to make a really clear distinction between child porn and ‘adult’ (haha ‘adult’) porn. but I’ve come across a friend looking at a porn clip where the woman looked pretty damn young. how can you tell if someone is 16? and we’re always hearing about how much more sexualised childhood is than it used to be.
I know there are no easy answers, and things aren’t always black and white, but if you are honestly trying to deal with your porn habits you need to think about the bigger picture, how porn fits in to a culture that has inequality of types ingrained. Or just for a start, imagine being a woman in some internet cafe late at night and the only other person there is some guy sitting next to you looking at porn.
Sorry for the ranty and scattered comment. But anger is a healthy emotion too.
leaving the porn addict in my life was the best thing I ever did!
It sounds like you made the best decision for yourself. Congratulations. Sometimes leaving is the best solution. In our case, Victoria and I are both grateful that we worked it out together; it was a tremendous learning opportunity. Thanks for your comment.
I recently bought your book from amazon.com, i cant thank you enough for writing it. i recently lost the love of my life to the problem of me hating porn. after searching through articles, and books, and websites your book is the one book that i needed to read. its the book that no one had written about but anwsered all my questions and explored the exact same fears and questions as i had. this book is life changing and i only wish i would have discovered it sooner. i hope everyone with any issues about porn or what the media portrays reads your book. you should be featured on oprah for your help towards couples and individucals suffering this common but never spoke about problem. this book changed my life thank you.
I agree with Lisa–it is such a relief after a whole day of seeking answers online, and finding just back-and-forth assertions and scornful rebuttals, to come across this site. Almost all the advice out there is so polarized, either judging the partner who is hurt by the behavior (using porn is totally normal for men, you’re the one with the problem, don’t be such a prude, get over it and be chill) or judging the partner doing the behavior (you are afraid of intimacy, what you’re doing is selfish and unhealthy and unintegrated, you need therapy). But I don’t enjoy being in judgment. I don’t want to live my life that way.
My partner and I are completely at a loss about what to do right now. His current position seems to be that he has no problem with his porn use and solo masturbation, and that he is happy with his life and with our life together (including our sex life), and not ashamed or feeling any guilt, but only sorry that I am hurting so much. In the past he has said he would stop, but instead he concealed the behaviors (he would say, he chose to keep them private, because they are his personal business and you can’t share everything in your relationship), and now he doesn’t even remember making any agreements that he would stop. He says that this is just a part of his life–not a big part, but definitely a part, one that he says is related to his connection with himself, with his fantasy life, and with Eros. I’ve asked to be included but he chooses not to include me.
For my part, I really am struggling to accept his behavior. I have not been happy with our sex life for a while now, because I observe that we have fewer sexual encounters and that he doesn’t offer me as much physical affection as I would like. I’m also scared that he’ll begin seeing prostitutes, as he did before we were together–but I’m even more scared about how obsessed with his behavior I have become. When I realized I was snooping and spying and accusing and prying, I started going to 12-step meetings to try to resolve some of my sadness, jealousy, anger, and fear (I’m also in individual therapy). But it’s not really working, anyway not yet–I am still just devastated by my feelings, and not yet able to accept his choices and move on in the relationship.
Oddly, I actually have a background in NVC and have had a little NVC training, but I am so stuck right now in how strong my feelings are that it hadn’t occurred to me that it could provide any assistance. It’s funny too, because when all this started two months ago I was standing in a bookstore and I saw a greeting card with that exact Rumi poem on it. And I thought, I should buy that for him. But then the retaliatory angry jealous voice rose up in me and said, Well what is he doing for you–nothing. Maybe today I will make him a card with that poem, though.
Anyway, this has been long, but thank you both for providing some kind of non-dualistic way to think about this issue. I am still completely confused about it but at least I feel like there is someone else out there who is trying not to fall into black-and-white thinking. I want to love him completely and without conditions, and I also want to acknowledge how I feel when he makes these choices–though I know that the overwhelming feelings point to old unresolved grief and unmet needs that are my responsibility and not his.
It’s just all really hard right now. Thank you again.
I’m so happy to have found this website. I have been married for 5 years and my husband’s interest in pornography has been an ongoing source of pain for me and a huge stress in our marriage. We also have been close to breaking up over it many times, and the pain that has been caused to both of us has been excruciating. In the beginning I just asked my husband not to do it, and he complied, but not without anger and resentment (which came out in other ways), as well as occasional “slips.” Now he wants to be himself, and I am trying to be more understanding and look at this time as an opportunity to learn to love more deeply, but this is a huge challenge for me. Your approach seems to be the only one that offers some sort of balanced answer, or more precisely, an opportunity for growth for both spouses. I look forward to purchasing your book soon and hope it can offer the help my husband and I have both been longing for. Thank you for sharing your story with others.