Pornography can be a big stressor on a relationship. Communicating effectively was essential in finding our way. One practice that really helped us was to be honest with each other and to receive that honesty openly.
How many times have we encouraged someone to tell us the truth and then reacted angrily as soon as he or she did? How many times have we gotten up the courage to speak honestly, and then wished we hadn’t because we were misunderstood? Pretty soon we learn to keep our thoughts and emotions to ourselves, or to outright lie. These patterns have a deadening effect on our relationships.
If we really want honesty in our lives, we may want some tools for our toolbox so we can hear without getting defensive or taking messages personally. I find that when I tell someone what is going on for me in terms of my own feelings and needs and not about how they are “wrong” it is much easier to hear. Building trust so that each partner experiences a sense of safety to speak freely within a relationship is vital. It’s about speaking respectfully with an open hearted curiosity to know what’s happening for your loved one and receiving that gift of listening as well. If you and your partner can both reach this place, and speak with honesty, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes in your relationship.
This quote by Friar Emmerich Vogt sums it up;
Honesty, without gentleness, is nothing but brutality …
Gentleness, without honesty, is nothing but sentimentality.
