Pornography can be a big stressor on a relationship. Communicating effectively was essential in finding our way. One practice that really helped us was to be honest with each other and to receive that honesty openly.
How many times have we encouraged someone to tell us the truth and then reacted angrily as soon as he or she did? How many times have we gotten up the courage to speak honestly, and then wished we hadn’t because we were misunderstood? Pretty soon we learn to keep our thoughts and emotions to ourselves, or to outright lie. These patterns have a deadening effect on our relationships.
If we really want honesty in our lives, we may want some tools for our toolbox so we can hear without getting defensive or taking messages personally. I find that when I tell someone what is going on for me in terms of my own feelings and needs and not about how they are “wrong” it is much easier to hear. Building trust so that each partner experiences a sense of safety to speak freely within a relationship is vital. It’s about speaking respectfully with an open hearted curiosity to know what’s happening for your loved one and receiving that gift of listening as well. If you and your partner can both reach this place, and speak with honesty, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes in your relationship.
This quote by Friar Emmerich Vogt sums it up;
Honesty, without gentleness, is nothing but brutality …
Gentleness, without honesty, is nothing but sentimentality.
First, I want to say THANK YOU for writing your book Love and Pornography. My husband and I have just finished reading it. This issue greatly affects us and for the first time in years of heated battles and near breakups, we feel a glimmer of hope that we have never felt before. In reference to your post, I find we are tempted to get angry when our partner tells us something that is difficult to hear because it hurts or makes us angry, yet knowing that being open and honest is the key to rebuilding the foundation of a relationship weakened by years of animosity, mistrust and opposing view points. We have begun using the concept of Rumi’s field, that you write about in your book, and visualize ourselves there — no right and no wrong — as we discuss these tender bits that we are afraid to share with one another. We also have found that for us, we need to work on issues that arise in our relationship in small increments, as emotions still run high from years of damaging behaviors on both parts, and we risk setback to the positive gains if we push to hard to find an immediate resolution.
Garry and I really appreciated your post and hearing that our journey is supporting you and your husband to find some connection with yourselves and each other. I think that is the key to Rumi’s field, it is a place where we can bring all the parts of ourselves and trust that in some way they are in the service of life. Sometimes it can take a whole lot of curiosity and patience to see how they are but in our experience, well worth the effort.
May you two continue to cultivate the intimacy between you and do let us know if there is anything else you need as we really enjoy supporting others in any way we can!
Also if so inclined to write a review of the book and how it is supporting you on Amazon it helps others get an idea of how the book could support them. No pressure, only if you would enjoy doing it!
Keep us posted as we would love to hear how it goes.