Do you look at porn?

Do you think you might be addicted to porn? Would you like more freedom to choose if and when you look at it? Do you want to understand what is compelling you to look at sex for hours on end?

This basic truth was incredibly helpful to us:

Everything we do, and I do mean everything,
is an attempt to meet an important need.

Once you identify what needs you are meeting by looking at porn, you will have more awareness of what you are really after. This, in turn, opens up options and choices about how to meet those needs in more satisfying, life-enriching ways.

You can trust that looking at porn is an attempt to fulfill something in yourself; and that something is important. The parts of yourself that are seeking fulfillment should not be denied. However, the ways you seek to fulfill your needs may not be very effective sometimes. You may also find that meeting one need in any given moment means that you aren’t meeting other needs. When this happens you could be left feeling disillusioned or disheartened and not know why. The following steps will help you find ways to meet your needs with more satisfying results.

How do you figure out what needs you are meeting by looking at porn?

1. The first step is Acceptance. I’m not talking about the kind of acceptance that says “Oh well, this is the way it is so I have to live with it.” I mean the kind of acceptance that has an open-hearted quality that makes room for whatever is going on in the moment; simply acknowledging where you are without judging it as good or bad. This allows you to face your situation and see it more clearly. There is a part of you that longs to be seen at your essence and pushing it away can get in the way of this process. Pushing it away creates resistance and an internal struggle; it can feel like a fierce, exhausting internal war. Instead, invite the act of looking at porn to be your teacher and trust that the needs you are trying to meet are precious and important. With this as your basis, you can look further to see if the ways you are using porn is actually working for you.
2. The second step is to notice your feelings. Feelings tell you what is going on for you emotionally; they’re accompanied by certain physical sensations. Feelings are a direct link to your needs, telling you whether they have been met or unmet. When your needs are fulfilled you’re likely to experience one set of feelings, i.e., happiness, joy, interest, etc., and when they are unfulfilled you’re more likely to feel sad, unhappy, dismayed, troubled, and so on.Feelings become the doorway to awareness. They are valuable information about what is happening within. I’m guessing that you have mixed feelings about porn (otherwise you probably wouldn’t be here!). Some are pleasant like excitement and joy and others are not so pleasant like anxiety and sadness. When you start thinking of looking at porn notice what feeling you have in that moment.

3. Notice the stories you tell yourself about looking at porn and whether or not you believe them. Are you telling yourself that there is something wrong with you? Do you tell yourself that you’re hopeless, defective or flawed? Or, are you telling yourself that there is something wrong with all those other people who don’t like porn?When you’re lost in your stories you become completely identified with them and think they are real. You see yourself and others through the lens of the belief and this can stimulate pain. When you can begin to separate from them you are no longer held captive by them.
   Note of caution: Be careful not to judge yourself for having the stories because as we said earlier everything we do is in attempt to meet needs, even the stories, so just see what gifts they are trying to offer.

4. Figuring out what the needs are. The concept of needs is straightforward. They are basic human values that we all share. Some have a difficult time with the word need because it brings thoughts that they are selfish, needy, weak in some way, inadequate, or lacking something they should already have. Others see having needs as pathological. When some people hear others state their needs they are uncomfortable or even resentful because they feel responsible for meeting them. Some spiritual communities interpret human needs as something to transcend and get beyond, instead of understanding that needs are simply a part of human nature. If you find you have difficulty with this word try using the word value, as in: “I value kindness and honesty in a relationship,” instead of “I need kindness and honesty in a relationship.”In this light, needs are seen as our core values; our deepest human longings. They are expressions of our shared humanity. We all have the same needs; they are the one place we can connect with one another. They’re universal and make us all human. They are basic life energy expressing through us, seeking fulfillment.When trying to see what needs you are meeting by your behavior, first check in with yourself to see what you are feeling. Like we said before, your feelings tell you whether or not your needs are being met. For example when your need for acceptance or fun is being fulfilled it is pleasurable. When you have just been deceived by someone you will most likely feel angry or sad because your need for honesty or trust wasn’t met. Once you notice your feelings then look inside to see why. Just ask yourself what is most important to you in this moment. Don’t worry about getting it right; just try on different things until something inside clicks. There are lists of needs below that you can review, but sometimes just trusting your own process helps develop your connection to yourself.Once you see what it is that is important to you, then you can start asking yourself whether or not the strategy is really working for you. For example if one of the reasons you like porn so much is that it helps you feel safe and have intimacy at the same time, how can you start creating that safety in your world on a day to day basis. Or maybe it gives you permission to express parts of yourself that you deemed “bad.” If so, now that you know that, maybe you can consciously bring those parts of yourself into the light of day. You are less likely to wreak havoc in your life and relationships if you are more connected to yourself.In a survey, we heard about some of the needs people were attempting to meet by looking at porn. See if you find yourself on this list and, if not, let us know what the needs are for you!
   
   Needs that were met for those who looked at porn
   • Acceptance: Porn is a place for many to feel acceptance for parts of themselves they hid from others, a place to act out fantasies without shame
   • Freedom: Porn is a place to do as they please and experiment when it comes to sexual preferences
   • Play: Porn brought out the experience of play in some people.
   • Aliveness: Porn helped people get in touch with a sense of being alive.
   • Access to sexual energy: Porn helped with connection to sexual energy.
   • Relief from stress: Porn helped some find relief from the stress of a dead-end job, a difficult relationship, financial difficulties; a temporary get-away oasis.
   • Intimacy: Porn helped others experience a level of intimacy without the vulnerability that comes with a real relationship.
   • Connection: Porn satisfied the need to connect with others; it gave some people an experience of being linked to someone else.
   • Passion: Porn stimulated passion and arousal.
   • Value: Some people experienced being valued because in the porn world they could be the center of the party, with all attention on them.
   • Shared reality: Some enjoy porn because it is a place where others have some of the same feelings they do. They feel seen as they are; they don’t have to hide themselves.
   • Beauty: There are those who enjoy looking at bodies in the same way others like to look at sunsets, because it gives them pleasure.

5. Identify the needs that aren’t being met by looking at porn. Sometimes the choices we make to meet one set of needs means that other needs go unmet; meeting a need here could mean not meeting one there. You will most likely find the needs that you aren’t meeting by first identifying when you experience the unpleasant feelings such as guilt, sadness, frustration, agitation etc. These feelings may arrive when you finish looking at porn. They are present because something important to you is not happening when you look at porn. Check in with yourself to see what that might be. Sometimes when you really see how much these important needs have gone unmet we can feel some sadness. This can be a very healing place so allow yourself to be in that sadness.The following is a list of needs that were not met by the people who sent in their responses for the survey. See if you can relate to any of these and if there is something for you that isn’t on here let us know!
   
   Needs that were not met for those who looked at porn
   • Freedom: Some people expressed sadness or frustration when they found themselves compelled to look at porn. They wished they were free to say no to porn.
   • Choice: They wanted more ability to choose not to look at porn.
   • Awareness: People wanted to be more aware of the reasons why they were doing what they were doing.
   • Self-respect: When looking at porn was not enriching their lives, or the lives of those around them, their need for self-respect suffered.
   • Authenticity: For those hiding their use of porn out of shame or fear of being found out, authenticity was a need they definitely were not meeting.
   • Meaning: People yearned for something that had more meaning in their lives than porn.
   • Contribution: If porn took up a lot of time and energy that could have been spent doing things around the house or being with loved ones, people felt they weren’t contributing.
   • Creativity: Some people expressed grief that porn took up so much of their time, that they were not as productive or creative with their life energy as they would have liked to be.
   • Community: Some expressed sadness that their looking at porn seemed to foster isolation, and they missed being part of a larger community.
   • Understanding/clarity: Many people felt confused about why they were so captivated by porn, and they expressed a longing to understand what was going on.
   • Touch: Some people noticed that the more they looked at porn, the less physical contact they had with others.
   • Rest: Some people stayed up late looking at porn or had so many ejaculations, they were fatigued.

6. Consider the balance. Without judgment, look at the needs that are met by porn and the needs that aren’t met; weigh them carefully. If you can, get someone to explore these with you as the connection can generate more awareness. The more you bring these out into the open and let them have voice, the more clarity you will get about what is really important to you.
   

The next time you want to sit down and look at porn, take some time to ask yourself what needs you are trying to meet in that moment. Then take a look at the needs you might not be meeting by looking at porn. Making what you do more conscious is the road to clearly seeing what is important to you and regaining control of your life.