Does your partner look at porn?

Are you feeling angry, hurt, or fearful because your partner is looking at porn? Are you confused about whether you should stay or go? Would you enjoy having some clarity and peace around this difficult issue in your life? If yes, than here is what supported us in finding our way. Our hope is that it can support you as well.

The first very important concept to understand is that the pain and upset that you are feeling is pointing you to something that is very important to you so don’t try to make it go away. Instead invite it in and see what it has to show you. Think of your pain as carrying important messages about what is important to you. The idea is that when you feel unpleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear, they are telling you that your needs or values are not being fulfilled. This is why I like to say that there is “life” in your pain because it is trying to show you what part of your life energy wants more attention or expression. Also, once you are able to see what those needs or values are, it helps you to see more clearly what is going on and how you might want to deal with it. When you can connect to what it is that is important to you, it helps you generate compassion from within which goes a long way in healing the pain that you feel.

Below are some steps that will help you to find what is important to you and also to support you in connecting with yourself. This self-connection is vitally important because the decisions you make in regards to yourself from this place can look vastly different than those coming from an unconscious place.

So how do you figure out what needs are so important to you?

1. The first step is Acceptance. This is the place where you take an honest assessment of what you are feeling and allow it to be there. No need to push it away. This space allows the life that is present in you begin to flow because you no longer are resisting it. Acceptance has an open-hearted quality and requires a willingness to see things are they are not as you would wish them to be. It also has an “allowing” quality; so if you are flat-out pissed that your partner is looking at porn, feel it fully, see where it is in your body. Allow whatever confusion you might have about whether or not you should stay or go. Accept the confusion, it’s okay.Some resist acceptance because they think it means they must condone the behavior that is stimulating so much pain. This is not the case. Acceptance is the acknowledgment of the pain and an honest assessment of it. It is also the precursor to making clearer decisions for yourself, because once you see it more clearly it is easier to deal with.Remember it is about allowing whatever is there to be there; so if it is too difficult to not push it away, then accept that. The acceptance begins wherever you are. Don’t judge yourself for having those feelings or thoughts in any way. If you can’t accept that your partner is looking at porn, accept that.

2. Notice your feelings. Feelings are accompanied by certain physical sensations in your body, notice where they are. They are a direct link to your needs, telling you whether they have been met or unmet. When your needs are fulfilled, you’re likely to experience feelings like happiness, joy, and interest. When they are unfulfilled, you are more likely to feel sad, unhappy, dismayed, troubled, and so on. Because you’re here looking for help I’m guessing that you are experiencing more of the unpleasant feelings, these are telling you that you have some needs that aren’t being met. When you think about your partner looking at porn what comes up for you? Anger, sadness fear? Are you disappointed or confused? See the list of feelings below for more possibilities.
3. Notice the stories you tell yourself about you or your partner around this issue. Are you telling yourself that there is something wrong with you because he or she does this? Do you tell yourself that you shouldn’t be upset? Or that there is something wrong with your partner?When you’re lost in your stories you become completely identified with them and think they are real. You see yourself and others through the lens of the belief and this can stimulate pain. When you can begin to separate from them you are no longer held captive by them.Note of caution: Be careful not to judge yourself for having the stories because as we said earlier everything we do is in attempt to meet needs, even the stories, so just see what gifts they are trying to offer.

4. Figure out what the needs are. The concept of needs is straightforward. They are basic human values that we all share. Some have a difficult time with the word need because it brings thoughts that they are selfish, needy, weak in some way, inadequate, or lacking something they should already have. Others see having needs as pathological. When some people hear others state their needs they are uncomfortable or even resentful because they feel responsible for meeting them. Some spiritual communities interpret human needs as something to transcend and get beyond, instead of understanding that needs are simply a part of human nature. If you find you have difficulty with this word try using the word value, as in: “I value kindness and honesty in a relationship,” instead of “I need kindness and honesty in a relationship.”
   
   In this light, needs are seen as our core values or our deepest human longings. They are expressions of our shared humanity. We all have the same needs; they are the one place we can connect with one another. They’re universal and make us all human. They are just the basic life energy expressing through us, seeking fulfillment.

   When your partner looks at porn and you feel afraid or angry can you look inside and see what it is that is so important to you? Is it that you want to be valued for who you are and not be compared to some image? Do you want his or her actions to be in alignment with your values? Are you looking for more trust? Safety?

   Explore this for yourself. When you happen on the right need something inside usually “clicks” or things suddenly make sense and there is more flow to your energy.

   We took a survey a few years back and asked people to share with us what needs were not met and below you find some of the results.

5. Identify the needs that are not being met by your partners looking at porn. There were not as many responses from people whose needs were being met by their partner’s use of porn and we suspect that is because those who were happy with it weren’t seeking help. Below you will find some of the needs we did hear about as well as some that we guessed at.
6. Consider the balance. Without judgment, look at the needs that are not met by your partner’s looking at porn and the needs that are met; weigh them carefully. If you can, get someone to explore these with you as the connection can generate more awareness. The more you bring these out into the open and let them have voice, the more clarity you will get about what is really important to you.

The next time you get upset with your partner, try to connect with your needs and speak from that place and see what happens. For example, instead of saying “What’s wrong with you? When are you going to grow up?” tell yourself and your partner what is so important to you in that moment that doesn’t happen when they look at porn. “When you tell me you are not looking at porn and I find out you are, I feel sad and angry because I really want honesty and trust in our relationship.” This will help you both get to the heart of the matter. It will be easier for each of you to relate to what is going on for the other. Remember that we all share the same needs, it’s only the strategies that we use that sometimes get in the way.