Needs vs Strategies

A strategy is an action or words used to meet a need. For example, someone may drink alcohol (a strategy) as a way to meet a need for relief from feeling overwhelmed. We may relate to the need but have concern over the way they try to meet it. Another example: Money is a strategy we use to meet needs—for survival, comfort, shelter, wellbeing, resources, etc.

The difference between needs and strategies is a critical distinction. If you don’t understand the difference, you will most likely confuse understanding a person’s needs—which is vital—with condoning the strategy they use to meet their needs. Another important reason to make this distinction is that if you understand the needs someone is trying to meet, separate from the strategies used to meet them, you can assess whether that strategy is actually meeting those needs or not.

Garry and I both found that we employed strategies that were not really fulfilling the needs we wanted to meet. Garry used porn as a strategy to meet needs, but when he looked more closely he saw that some of those very needs were not being fulfilled as he would have liked. Additionally, other important needs were not getting met.

Garry:

One of the needs I am aware of trying to meet by looking at porn was freedom. It was a way that I could counterbalance the suppression to sexuality I experienced growing up. When I took a look at my motives for looking at porn, wanting clarity and understanding so I could become more conscious about what I was doing, I saw that what once felt like freedom had turned into a prison. In fact, I felt compelled to look at porn, and this is not true freedom. Another need I had that was left unmet, as I spent so much time looking at porn, was creativity. A thought running in the back of my mind as I sat in front of the computer for hours was “What else could I be doing with my time?”

I guess one of the biggest needs I was trying to meet with porn was, believe it or not, intimacy. I learned very young to believe that those you love can hurt you deeply. Opening myself to love was scary and my fumbling attempts at relationships only reinforced my fear. Porn became a safe and exciting place where I could feel some limited connection with another. But once I was able to understand the needs behind my attraction to porn, I was able to find better ways to meet them without cutting myself off from other needs.

Request vs Demand

Strategies used to meet needs can vary in their effectiveness. When I gave Garry an ultimatum to stop looking at porn or I would leave the relationship, he heard my message as a demand and said, “Okay” out of fear. I was hoping to meet my need for peace and harmony. I wanted relief from the pain I felt about his use of porn, but unfortunately when I made demands I ended up with more pain than when I began. The demand, in fact, decreased our level of communication when Garry reacted to it. In another example, when Garry spent longer than I would have liked on the computer, I desired connection with him. Instead of telling him I wanted connection I told him how wrong it was to spend that much time on the computer. This stimulated his frustration and we had even less connection than before I spoke, because we were then both in pain and at a standoff.

Now I take more time to figure out what my need actually is. That helps me see whether the action I’m contemplating will actually help me get what I’m looking for. If I ask for attention instead of accusing him of doing something wrong, I’m much more likely to get what I want—and Garry will meet needs for intimacy and connection with me instead of with porn.

Another important aspect to understanding needs is that they contain no reference to a specific person taking a specific action. As soon as I start thinking that it’s Garry’s job to fulfill my need, I am no longer focused on the need itself. I have shifted to a strategy, trying to get my need met. I could call this strategy a preference, wish, or request, but it is not to be confused with the need itself.

The need itself is like a living energy that you can get in touch with at any time without anyone having to give it to you. You have these energies in you at all times and by connecting to them consciously you can experience them. I may want Garry to fulfill a need for me and that’s okay, but it is important that I be clear that I am using a strategy (getting Garry to participate) to meet my need.

It is important to know the effective way to make requests.