Needs

Your feelings point to your needs. The concept of needs is straightforward. They are basic human values that we all share. Most of us know what acceptance is when we experience it. Acceptance is a need that, when fulfilled, is pleasurable. Intimacy also is a need that feels pleasurable when fulfilled. We can be unaware of our needs, but when we don’t get them met in a way that we like we can feel agitated.

Some have a difficult time with the word need because it brings thoughts that they are selfish, needy, weak in some way, inadequate, or lacking something they should already have. Others see having needs as pathological. When some people hear others state their needs they are uncomfortable or even resentful because they feel responsible for meeting those needs. Some spiritual communities interpret human needs as something to transcend and get beyond, instead of understanding that needs are simply a part of human nature. Some may be more comfortable using the word value, as in: “I value kindness and honesty in a relationship,” instead of “I need kindness and honesty in a relationship.”

In this light, needs are seen as our core values or our deepest human longings. They are expressions of our shared humanity. We all have the same needs; they are the one place we can connect with one another. They’re universal and make us all human. According to Robert Gonzales, a man who played an important role in helping Garry and I understand this, “Needs are just the basic life energy expressing through us, seeking fulfillment. Needs are an expression of our inner essence. At each moment our needs have different facets or different qualities. In one situation you may have a need for mutual understanding, honesty, or authenticity. It’s really your true nature, your essence, seeking to connect with the essence of another person through a quality of mutual understanding.”

When you identify, name, and connect with your needs, it deepens your relationship to yourself because it brings awareness to your inner workings. It helps you make sense of why you do the things you do. We all have the same needs—the same life energies are within every human being. Knowing that these needs are alive in you and always present as a kind of living potential helps you understand what motivates your own, and others’, actions; especially in situations where someone else’s actions are a complete enigma to you.

In our survey and interviews people told us what needs they were attempting to meet by looking at porn, as well as the needs they were not meeting. Check inside as you read each one to see if any resonate with you.

Needs that were met for those who looked at porn

• Freedom: A desire to do as one pleases when it comes to one’s own sexual preference.
• Choice: A desire to choose what is in the best interest for themselves.
• Play: Porn brought out the experience of play in some people.
• Aliveness: Porn helped people get in touch with a sense of being alive.
• Access to sexual energy: Porn helped some connect with sexual energy.
• Relief from pain: Porn helped relieve some from the pain of a dead end job, a difficult relationship, financial difficulties, etc.
• Intimacy: Porn helped some experience a level of intimacy without risking the vulnerability that comes with a real relationship.
• Connection: Porn satisfied the need to connect with another, it gave some people an experience of being linked to someone with similar values.
• Passion: Porn stimulated passion and arousal.
• Value: Some experienced being valued because in the porn world they could be the center of the party, all attention being on them.
• Shared Reality and Acceptance: Some enjoy porn because it is a place where others have some of the same feelings they do. They feel seen; they don’t have to hide who they are.
• Beauty: There are those who enjoy looking at bodies in the same way some like to look at sunsets, because it gives them pleasure.

Needs that were not met for those who looked at porn

• Freedom: Some people expressed sadness or frustration when they found themselves compelled to look at porn. They wished they were free to say no to porn.
• Choice: The desire to have control over their compulsion to view porn.
• Autonomy: This is similar to freedom and choice, where some people wanted to have more control over their lives.
• Self-connection: They wanted to have a stronger connection to self.
• Self Respect: When looking at porn was not enriching their lives in any measurable way, or the lives of those around them, people told me their need for self-respect suffered.
• Authenticity: For those hiding aspects of themselves out of fear of being found out, or due to shame, authenticity was a need they definitely were not meeting.
• Meaning: This need was not met when a person yearned for something that had more meaning in their lives than porn.
• Contribution: If porn took up a lot of time and energy that could have been spent doing things around the house or being with loved ones, people felt they weren’t contributing.
• Creativity: Some people expressed grief that porn took up so much of their time they were not as productive or creative with their life energy as they would have liked.
• Community: Some expressed sadness that their looking at porn seemed to foster isolation and they missed being part of a larger community.
• Understanding/clarity: Many people felt confused about why they were so captivated by porn, and expressed a longing to understand what was going on.
• Touch: Some people experienced actual physical contact with others diminished when they looked at porn.
• Rest: Some people experienced so much stimulation from porn, or spent so many hours viewing porn, they were fatigued.
• Wellbeing: Some people experienced porn as a compulsion they could not stop, that didn’t feel good anymore, which affected their sense of wellbeing and balance.
• Honesty: The need for honesty was not met for some when, due to the shame and fear of what others would think, they lied to important people in their lives.
• Connection with life: Some people expressed that although they looked at porn to feel more alive, the more they looked at it the more they experienced being disconnected with themselves and those around them.

Needs that were not met for those stimulated by loved ones looking at porn

• Awareness: Consciousness around whether or not porn was actually life-serving for not only those who were looking at it, but those who were participating in it.
• Consideration: The desire to be part of a relationship where everyone’s needs were considered.
• Equality: This was an expression of pain about how people were viewed in porn, and a desire to see them as real, whole, human beings.
• Care: The desire to know that the person using porn really cared about how another felt.
• Intimacy: The need to share their true selves, openly and honestly.
• Trust: The desire to trust that a person wasn’t hiding his looking at porn.
• Connection: The desire for more time spent together.
• Shared reality: A desire to be on the same page with a partner, wanting to have a similar value system.
• Mutuality: This need is similar to a shared reality. A desire to be connected by a quality of energy similar to another’s.
• Presence: A need for a connection that involved giving full attention and awareness.
• Honesty: A desire for truth-telling; no hiding of or lying about looking at porn.
• Wellbeing: A concern for the health and welfare of the person looking at porn. It may also be a desire for the wellbeing of those who are involved in the making or distribution of porn.
• Understanding/clarity: Some people expressed feeling very confused because they wanted to understand what was going on for their partner. They wanted more clarity.
• Choice: Some people wanted to have more choice about what came into the environment they lived in.

Next – understanding the difference: needs vs strategies.